Edward Elric's Fairy Hunt
by Infamousplot
Summary: Join Ed, Al, Roy, Winry and even Envy as they embark on a crack-quest to prove that Edward Cullen is a fairy. Warning Cullen fangirls, stay away! Crackcrackcrack... FOURTH CHAP FINALLY UP!
1. Chapter 1

**Crack, crack, and more crack. Welcome to my mind XD. I came up with this story while I was talking to my friend about neopets, and then decided it'd be way cooler as FMA characters. This is complete and utter crack. Embrace it! This is the first chapter, it will be continued, if I ever get past my permanent writer's block. Together, we can find a cure. Alrighty, enjoy Ed's crack-hunt.  
**

"Do you have the popcorn Al?"

"Yup!"

"Alright, let's get this movie started!"

It was a normal Friday night. Ed and Al were sitting in their dorm at HQ, nestled on the couch with popcorn and a remote. It was movie night, and Al had gotten what was supposed to be a good movie, so even Ed couldn't be unhappy.

Clicking play, Ed and Al watched in excitement as the title appeared on the screen: "Twilight." Ed and Al's jaws dropped.

"You picked out _Twilight!_" Ed cried, jabbing the stop button repeatedly (but it wasn't working!). Al shook his head.

"No! I swear, I didn't mean to! There must have been a mix up… Oh! I know! I ran into Roy today –" Ed scowled.

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"No, brother, I mean I actually _ran_ into him. We dropped all of our stuff, and I think I may have taken the DVD that he dropped." Al explained. For a moment, the two were silent. Then, they burst into hysterical laughter.

"The Coronal was gonna watch _Twilight_!" Ed howled, laughing so hard he almost cried. "Well, we might as well watch it. We've got nothing better to do." Clicking play, the two watched the screen intently. So what if it was a stupid chick flick? Ed wasn't about to let that ruin his movie night. And so the two brothers Elric sat huddled on the couch, watching as sparkling vampires raced across the screen, scarring them for life with the terror of their pitiful "acting skills."

"Ed, I'm scared." Al whispered, his armor clanking as he shook.

"They call that acting? My auto mail could do better than that!" Ed scoffed, arms crossed. "And seriously, what kind of vampire _sparkles_? I though vampires were supposed to burn in the sun!" Al nodded, flicking the TV off.

"I think that's enough for tonight." Al shuffled off, muttering about how he would probably have nightmares (sparkly, bad acting nightmares). Ed frowned, looking at the DVD case curiously.

"Vampires don't really sparkle…" He muttered, turning on the TV and muting it. Over and over again, he watched the scene where Edward Cullen sat in the glade, sparkling in the sun. There was something wrong about that picture –other than the fact Cedric Diggory was trying to pull off a successful Cullen –but Ed couldn't quite put his finger on it.

The next morning, when Al came down for breakfast, he saw ed sitting in front of the TV, eyes huge but droopy from lack of sleep.

"Brother!" Al cried. "You didn't stay up all night watching Twilight, did you?" Ed looked up, shaking his head.

"Al! You're never gonna believe this!" He grinned. "I was doing some research last night, and guess what I figured out?" Al sighed, shrugging. Why did he have such a bad feeling where his stomach was supposed to be?

"Edward Cullen is really a fairy!" Ed cried. Al stared at him for a moment, wondering how much crack his brother had been snuffing, and where he'd gotten it.

"Ed… You aren't still hung up on that, are you?" Was it time for another trip to the family therapist? Al sure hoped not. He really didn't want to have to bring out the sedatives again…

"Al, I'm serious! Look at what I found in this book!"

"Ed… This is a picture book for little girls… About Tinkerbell." Al said slowly. Great, he really was going to need to bring out the tranquilizer, wasn't he?

"Al! Look at this!" Ed opened the book, flipping to a page showing several fairies, all sparkling in the sun. "See? All of these fairies are sparkling! In the sun! Just like Edward Cullen!" Ed sounded like he'd found the solution to world hunger.

"Ed…" Al sighed, shaking his head. "How tight is your auto mail?" Ed gasped, insulted.

"Al, I'm serious about this! I'm going to go find that over-sized fairy" –and by that he meant Cullen –"and prove it to you!" he paused, then glared, "And if you don't help, then I'll take away the kitten you've been hiding in your room." Al gasped, horrified.

"Not Mr. Fluffykins!" Al moaned. "How'd you find out about him!"

"Al, I'm your older brother. I KNOW EVERYTHING! And I also know that Edward Cullen is a fairy, and that you're going to help me. Or "Mr. Fluffykins" gets it." Al sobbed, but agreed. And so the Fairy Hunt began.

"ROY!" Roy Mustang looked up from his "important paperwork" (a pile of paper airplanes and pictures of his higher-ups with mustaches drawn on them), only to find a very strange sight: Edward and Alphonse, both carrying enormous butterfly nets, and tugging a wagon behind them.

"What do you want?" Roy sighed, quickly shoving his "important paperwork" beneath a book.

"Roy, we need to take a few days off." Al explained, even though technically he wasn't a State Alchemist and didn't work here. Roy looked as though Al had just sworn at him.

"Why on earth do you want a _day off_?"

"Because, we're going to hunt for fairies!" Ed cried, grinning. Roy stared blankly at him, wondering who the cheerful child was, and why he looked so much like FullMetal.

"Remind me never to ask you what you're doing again." Roy sighed.

"Come on Coronal! You should come with us! It'll be fun!" Ed cried, acting very out of character.

"I am not going to help you hunt for fairies, Ed. Get back to work." Roy scowled, pretending to start filling out some paper.

"It'll get you away from your paperwork…" Ed reminded him in a singsong voice. Roy slammed his paper down on the desk and leapt up.

"What are we waiting for? Let's go find us a fairy!" And so the group marched on.

"How much farther?" Roy asked, as they marched down the street. They were dragging a giant glass jar behind them in Ed's old wagon, and they held their butterfly nets like flags over their shoulders.

"We have to get to the train station, so we can get to Resembool. That's where there's a great woods, and we can find the fairy." Ed explained. "Fairies live in the woods and sparkle in the sun, so we need to look in their natural habitat." He said, matter-o-factly. They marched in an orderly fashion across Central, receiving odd looks from pedestrians, until a familiar voice interrupted their mission.

"Hey! FullMetal pipsqueak! Where ya' going?" Ed and his troop turned, spotting Envy walking toward them.

"Go away Envy! I don't have time to fight you right now!" Ed scowled, turning and marching off, determination burning in his eyes. Envy looked taken aback. They didn't have time to fight with him? After the homunculi had dedicated their existences to stalking them! How dare he!

"Why not?" Envy whined, racing after them.

"Because. We're looking for a fairy." Ed replied, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. Envy stared blankly at him, much like Roy had, blinking after a moment.

"What?"

"I'm going to find Edward Cullen and prove he's a fairy!" Ed cried.

"I'm in." Envy grinned. He'd hated Cullen ever since Lust had forced him to watch Twilight with her. He was at the very top of his hate list.

"Alright, let's go!" Roy cried impatiently. Ed took the lead, and his troop of Alchemists –and one homunculus –marched after him.

_Meanwhile, under Central in the homunculi's base…_

"Greed! Have you seen Envy?" Lust cried.

"Why would I have? It's not my job to baby sit him!"

"Well, do you now where he went?"

"Uh… Well, actually, he was here just a minute ago. He was looking for a butterfly net."

"What the eff?"

"Yeah. And he said something about looking for fairies with FullMetal." Greed shrugged. Lust stared for a moment, before crossing her arms.

"You've really got to start pulling him off that crack…" Greed looked up from his magazine and laughed.

"Now where's the fun in that?"

* * *

**Okay, the first part is up. Next, they will embark on the rest of their mystical journey of crackdom to discover if Cullen truly is or isn't a fairy (and, of course, we all know he is). Will Amestris survive? Who knows. **

** Please review! If you don't, I'll send Envy after you with his net. And then he'll... He'll, uhm, hit you... With it. Repeatedly. Yeah.**

** ~Ip**


	2. Chapter 2

**Yayz! Thank you all for your reviews! You guys who reviewed -you know who you are. *Gives cookies* Thank you so much ^^ And now, without further ado, the crack-tastic continuation of Edward Elric's Fairy Hunt!  
**

_When we last left our heroes, their group had just been joined by Envy, who had returned to his base to retrieve his butterfly net. Shortly after this, the four set off to the train station and caught the next train to Resembool, where –they hoped –they would find Edward Cullen, the elusive fairy…_

"Are we _there_ yet?" Envy moaned.

"No, Envy, for the fifteenth time, we won't be there for another hour!" Ed roared, slamming his fist down on the small table between the two benches. Envy fell silent, and didn't ask again. At least, not for another five minutes.

"How about now?"

"Shut up!" Ed crowed, and everyone on the train swiveled their heads to stare at them. It was a bizarre sight indeed: an enormous suit of armor holding an equally large glass jar, squished into a seat next to a rather small blonde creature, sitting across from a bored looking military officer and a… Girl (?) who resembled a palm tree.

"Alright everyone," Ed said suddenly, whipping a map out of nowhere and placing it on the table. "As you all know, this mission is to locate Edward Cullen and prove that he's a fairy." He explained, his tone deathly serious. "I've done my research, and I know that fairies live in sunlit forests. The only place I can think of like that is the forest in Resembool." Everyone nodded, except for the Colonel, who looked like he was ready to fall asleep.

"Brother? I know you want to find Cullen, but… Well, what if he isn't there?" Al asked quietly. Ed blinked, looking as though this thought had never occurred to him.

"Of course he'll be there, Al." He replied, shaking the thought away.

"But brother! There are lots of woods in Amestris. Even if Edward Cullen is in any of them, what are the odds we'll be able to find him?"

"Silence!" Ed cried, pounding his fist on the map, once again gaining the attention of all the passengers. "He'll be there. I can feel it." Ed breathed, his eyes wide.

"Ed… You're scaring me."

"Are we there yet?"

"SHUT UP!"

_

* * *

_

Winry awoke to the sound of metal pounding on her door. Yawning, she got up and trudged over, turning the knob and almost getting smashed in the face by an auto-mail limb.

"Winry!" A familiar voice cried. Yawning, Winry rubbed her eyes.

"Ed? What… What are you doing here?" She yawned, stretching a little bit. "You never come to visit unless-" Winry senses tingling, the mechanic grabbed Ed by the auto-mail and lifted it up. "What did you do to my auto-mail!" She screamed.

"Winry! Calm down!" Al cried.

"I didn't do anything to _my_ auto-mail!" Ed shouted defensively. With a blink, Winry set him down, and peered over him out the door. Roy and Envy were standing there, Roy playing with a tiny flame on his gloves, and Envy waving his butterfly net around with a bored look on his face.

"Um… Ed? What's going on here?" Winry frowned. Ed never came home unless he'd broken his auto-mail, or unless she bribed (blackmailed) him into it. Ed and Al exchanged glances, and Ed turned to her, a very un-Ed-like grin on his face.

"We're going to find a fairy Winry!" He cried excitedly, all but hopping up and down. "Do you wanna come with us!"

Winry stood there for a moment, trying to take this in.

"I must still be dreaming." She sighed, shaking her head and turning around.

"But Winry!" Ed moaned, grabbing her arm and stopping her. "Come on! It'll be _fun_!"

"Okay, who are you, and what have you done with Ed?" Winry asked groggily. "Besides, I thought you hated that game." The last time they had done anything fairy-related was when they were six, and had been building fairy houses together out in the woods. That game had ended abruptly when Winry had finished her house and said: 'Look Ed, it's just your size!', and Ed had trashed it and run off crying that he wasn't "small enough to live in a fairy house!"

"This isn't a game Winry!" Ed cried, a look of shock in his eyes. "This is serious, scientific business." Al nodded.

"Uh-huh. We're gonna find Edward Cullen and prove he's a fairy." Winry's eyes grew wide, and she smashed Ed over the head with her wrench.

"EDWARD CULLEN IS NOT A FAIRY!" She screamed as Ed staggered back. All four of them eyed Winry in horror.

"Oh. My. God." Ed breathed.

"She's a Cullen fangirl!" Envy screamed, ducking behind Roy.

"RUN!" Ed shrieked, and with that the four sprinted away, fear in their eyes.

"Hey! Ed, wait!" Winry called after them, huffing angrily. "Granny! I'm going to look for fairies with Ed!" She called up the stairs. Even if Ed had insulted Edward Cullen, Winry wasn't going to miss out on an adventure like this.

"Okay!" Pinako called back, her voice distracted. "Take Den with you!"

"Okay Granny! Bye!" Winry grabbed Den by the leash, and with that, took off after Ed to aid him in his search for Cullen…

* * *

**OMG, Winry is a Cullen fangirl? Who would have thought. **

** How far must our heroes travel to find the mysterious fairy Cullen? Where must they search? How long will it take? Why am I asking you guys this? All these questions and more, will be revealed in the next chapter of Ed E's Fairy Hunt!**

** R&R. I give you more cookies. Yes?**

** ~Ip**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm sorry it took so long for me to update! I am a lazy human being with permanent writer's block. Please forgive me. * Bow, bow* It's here now, though. Thank you Seikatsu-chan for the "encouragement" (lol) and the grand idea to introduce more characters XD And now, enough of my blather, ONWARD!**

_Welcome back to Edward Elric's FairyHunt… The last time we saw our heroes, they had come to realize a terrible truth: that Edward and Alphonse's dear friend Winry was in fact, a fan of Edward Cullen. However, despite the fact that Ed and his troops were set out to capture Cullen, Winry has decided to join them, along with her trusted companion Den. Where will they start? Will they capture Edward Cullen in this chapter? Or, will I milk it as long as possible and make you all wait until the next chapter? Most likely. But, only time will tell…_

"I can't believe this." Ed sighed, shoving aside a branch. He and his troops had been tromping through the forests of Resembool for hours, with nothing to eat but a few melons King Bradley had given to Roy before hand and a few sandwich crusts that had been found in Envy's skirt pocket –heaven knows why.

"What?" Winry asked. Ed sighed again, gazing forlornly into the distance.

"That… You're an Edward Cullen fan." Winry smacked him upside the head with her wrench.

"Will you just get over it? You've said that five times within the past hour! Not to mention the other twenty times you've said it in the _last_ three hours we've been out here!" She scowled.

"He's a terrible actor!" Ed screamed, flailing his arms in a way only an anime character could. If Al had eyes, he would have been rolling them.

"Shut up, Ed!"

"Why do you like him?"

"We're not talking about this here."

"He's a giant sparkling pixie!" Once again, Winry's wrench collided with Ed's head, and no one waited for him to pick himself up and scramble back to the head of the group.

"This isn't working." Roy sighed, looking more and more regretful that he'd come along by the minute. Ed put his hand on his chin in a thoughtful manner.

"You're right." Oh, how it killed him to say that aloud. "These woods are too big. We'll have to split up, to cover more ground." He decided. There were a few grumbles, and a comment from an unnamed source (cough, cough, Envy) that the only reason Ed wanted to split up was so that he could be alone with his girlfriend, but in the end they decided it was the best idea.

"Alright, let's-"

"If you say "Let's split up gang", I'll kill you." Roy warned. Ed fell silent, and without another word, they split up into groups of two and headed off into the wilderness in search of Cullen…

* * *

"So…"

"… So."

Al and Envy walked in an uncomfortable silence, both pointedly looking ahead. It was odd enough that Envy had come along with his main enemies in the first place, but now that he was left alone with one –the goody-two-shoes nice kitten loving flower field minded one no less! –things had reached a new level of awkward.

"So… Have you… Uhm, caused any new massacres lately?" Al asked, trying to start up a conversation.

"A few, here and there." Envy shrugged. Al nodded, wishing he could have gone with Roy or Den. Why did Ed have to drag him on this stupid quest any way?

"I think my brother might be under the influence of crack…" Al admitted miserably. Nvy laughed.

"Really? That's weird. Lust says that about me all the time!" he grinned. Al made a point of shuffling several steps away from him, though Envy didn't seem to notice.

"Is that why you came with us?" Al asked. Envy shook his head.

"Nah. I came with you because the author of this fic is most likely on crack too, and she's already derailed my character to the point of no return, so I figured, why no?" Al stared at him blankly for a second, then sighed. This was going to be a long afternoon…

* * *

"And that's why Hawkeye won't go out with me." Roy sighed heavily, glooming over in an anime-style, with black lines drooping all over his head. "It's a cruel world, isn't it?" He looked down at Den, who was staring at him with quiet dog-like curiosity. Roy sighed again.

"I don't even know why I'm out here. I guess I just didn't want to do any more of that paperwork…" Again, by paperwork, he meant doodles of Hakuro in a dress and vandalisms of the pictures of his subordinates, but Den wouldn't know that. "To tell you the truth, I don't even think we'll find this fairy of Edward's." He admitted. Den trotted along, still not saying a word.

"I know you can't talk. I just like pretending you can." Roy sighed, patting the dog on the head. "Maybe if I catch the fairy, Hawkeye will finally go out with me…"

* * *

"For the last time, Ed, I don't believe that Edward Cullen is a fairy!" Winry screamed, raising her wrench threateningly. Ten minutes alone, and the first thing out of Ed's mouth was "Why do you like Edward Cullen?" Why couldn't he just drop this? It wasn't Winry's fault that she bent to the will of a sparkling man with giant hair who couldn't act. It was simply her hormones doing crazy things to her mind.

"Fine! Fine, I get it." Ed sighed, finally admitting defeat. The two walked in silence, until Ed dared to speak up again.

"So… Do you think that Armstrong is a vampire?" Winry laughed.

"No way. He's definitely a werewolf." Ed gasped.

"But he sparkles! And if Cullen and his vampire groupies sparkle, then that has to mean that Armstrong is a vampire too!" He cried, backing his theory with any Twilight fan's knowledge –though Ed was not a fan of Twilight.

"Come on, Ed. He never wears a shirt, he's uber buff –he takes off his shirt every two panels for no particular reason. He's got to be a werewolf." Winry countered, using her fangirl knowledge to defend herself. Ed sighed loudly.

"You and I don't agree on anything!" He wailed.

"Will you stop whining? You've been acting really weird ever since you showed-" Amidst her yelling, Ed clamped a hand over her mouth. She tried to bite it (forgetting it was automail) but Ed quickly shushed her (which was good, because automail breaks your teeth. All of them. Trust me in this one, don't bite automail.).

"Winry." He hissed, pointing with his free arm. "Look!" Glancing through the bushes, Winry felt her heart stop.

"Oh my God." She whispered as Ed took his arm away. It wasn't possible. It was-

"Edward Cullen." They whispered in unison.

The two manga stars stood stalk still, watching in awe as the sparkling creature walked out into a conveniently placed beam of sunlight, unbeknownst of his two blonde stalkers. Ed and Winry stared as his cheap white makeup began to glitter in the sun.

"Winry, look." Ed whispered. They watched as, from his back, two enormous butterfly wings began to spread.

"Wow. Um, they're… Very… Colorful." Winry muttered, staring awkwardly as the two rainbow wings spread. Well. This was embarrassing. Winry stood there, anime tears streaming down her face as she tried to ignore the image of her fandom love standing with rainbow butterfly wings extending from his back. Why did this have to happen? Now she had to go back to facing reality and realizing that her only possible pairings were with a midget or a suit of armor! Why?

"This changes things." Ed muttered. "We're gonna need a much bigger net."

* * *

Envy and Al had been wandering around for about half an hour when Envy heard a strange rustling sound in the bushes.

"OMG a rustling sound." He said loudly, pointing out the obvious in a way that most derailed characters would. Al again wondered why he had allowed Ed to drag him into this.

"I guess we should check it out. After all, it might be Edward Cullen." Al shrugged, pushing through the bushes. Envy gripped his fairy net like a weapon, following the giant suit of armor into the foliage.

What they found was not Edward Cullen. What they found was something else. Something just as terrifying.

"Oh my God." The two breathed. "It's Jacob Black." Al and Envy stood there stupidly for a moment, unsure what to do. Al honestly hadn't expected to run into anyone from Twilight, and Envy didn't think that his net was going to be much help right now.

"What should we do?" Al asked nervously. Envy shrugged.

"I dunno. We could beat him up and force him to tell us where Cullen is." Envy grinned wickedly at the thought. Al frowned, the best he could without a moving mouth.

"Or, we could just _ask_ him where Edward Cullen is." He pointed out, and Envy gave him a look that clearly stated this was the stupidest idea he'd ever heard. Al sighed, shaking his head as he approached the werewolf. Homunculi were always so violent. Envy was currently wondering if all suits of Armor were so sickeningly goody-two-shoes.

"Hello! Hey, you there!" Al called. Jacob Black turned to face him. This was probably a very awkward moment for him. There he was, a three-dimensional character from a chick-flick standing shirtless in the middle of a two-dimensional forest. Really, Envy and Al has nothing to worry about. Jacob was in no position to do anything.

"… Hi." He gave a tiny wave.

"Hi! You're Jacob Black, right? From Twilight?" Al asked. He nodded. "Okay, have you seen Edward Cullen?"

"We're looking for him." Envy had one of his disturbingly creepy grins on as he said this, and he was wielding his net –still –in a weapon-like manner. Jacob raised an eyebrow at Envy, then dismissed him as another crazy fangirl.

"That's not a good idea." He shrugged.

"B-But why!" Al cried.

"Because, he's a _fairy._" Jacob rolled his eyes, like this was the most obvious thing in the world. Al and Envy exchanged glances.

"Well, yeah. That's kind of why we're _looking_ for him." Envy growled back. Again, Jacob looked perplexed.

"Why would you go looking for a fairy? Don't you know what those things can do to a well-developed character?" Jacob frowned. Again, Envy and Al looked worried.

"Wh-What?" Al asked nervously.

"Fairies have the power to derail a character beyond the point of return. Kind of like a fanfiction author, only worse, because they come down in the form of sparkling weirdoes and Mary sues." Jacob explained. "Everyone knows that." Al frowned, remembering Ed's determination to find Cullen.

"Oh no! My brother's looking for him right now! What should I do!" he cried, teetering in a nervous anime-y style. Envy shrugged.

"Hmm… When was he first exposed to the fairy?" Jacob asked.

"Uhm… Last night, about 16 hours ago, I think. We were watching Twilight, but he watched it all night, again and again…" Al admitted. Jacob frowned.

"And how well-developed of a character is he?"

"Pretty well-developed, I'd say. Definitely not a Gary stu, if that's what you mean." Al shrugged.

"Oh no… This is bad." Jacob looked nervous. "The more well-developed a character is, the more susceptible they are to derailment!" Al gasped in horror, while Envy tied his net into a knot and began trying to untwine it. He was already derailed beyond belief. He couldn't care less about the fairy's powers.

"What should we do!" Al cried.

"Come on, we haven't a second to lose!" And then, with all his dramatic werewolfy glory, Jacob Black took off, with Al and Envy running behind.

**Now that Edward Cullen's true powers have been revealed, what will become of our heroes? Will they be able to get to Ed in time? Or… Will he be derailed and demoted to a Gary stu! Only time will tell. Stay tuned, for the next installment of: Edward Elric's Fairy Hunt.**

**I've always wanted to do pokemon-style intros and endings XD My life is now complete ^_^**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm afraid to type an intro cuz I don't wanna get beated up 0.o I am SOOOOO sorry that I didn't update this for SOOOOOOO long. I got stuck, and then I kind of forgot about it… But, I'm back! And I WILL finish this thing, no matter how much abuse it takes from myself and others, so never fear! And now, enjoy the latest installment of Edward Elric's Fairy Hunt… And let's hope you're so distracted by it that you don't kill me for taking so long…**

* * *

_When we last left out heroes, Ed and the gang had split up in hopes of finding Cullen. Shortly after, Ed and Winry stumbled upon the sparkling fairy, and were entranced by his rainbow wing. Meanwhile, Envy and Al had run into Jacob Black, who had revealed to them the true power of fairies –Character Derailment. Horrified for the sake of his brother and childhood friend, Al immediately set to searching for them, in hopes of saving them. Will they get there in time? Or, will it be too late? Will Ed and Winry be derailed into miserable Sues? Will Mustang EVER get Hawkeye to go out with him? Find out some of these things and more, in the next paragraph…_

"Are you sure this is the right way?" Envy asked, panting as he tried to keep up with the uber-speedy werewolf. Al –who had been forced to ride on the wolf's back due to the fact that suits of armor aren't known for their speed –nodded. "How do you know? Is it some sort of brother-senses?" Envy asked, and Al shook his head.

"Nah. I installed a GPS tracking chip in his automail." He explained, and Envy facepalmed, wishing he'd thought of that years ago. Quickly, he made a mental note to tell Father about it later.

"How much further?" Jacob barked. Al checked his tracker and pointed dramatically ahead.

"About five minutes that way!" He cried. Jacob nodded, speeding up, much to Envy's displeasure.

"Hey! Wait for me!" He wailed, trying hard to keep up.

"Is he important to the story?" Jake asked Al, and Al shrugged.

"I don't know. I think he amuses the readers, though." The wolf nodded, but didn't speed down.

"Sorry, miss-" Jacob narrowly dodged Envy's butterfly net –"But we can't afford to slow down. If we don't find this Ed person right away, he'll be reduced to a worthless Gary Stu." He explained. Envy rolled his eyes, clearly not caring in the least.

"So what if Fullmetal becomes a Stu? How on earth will that affect me?" He smirked cockily, causing Al to roll his eyes.

"If he becomes a Gary Stu, the sales of your manga and anime will plummet and nobody will care about you anymore." Jacob said flatly, and both Envy and Al gasped in horror. No more screen time? No more back-of-the-manga funnies? It was the worst thing they would imagine, especially Envy, who loved his screen/panel time.

"Okay, okay, I get it." Envy sighed, shaken by the thought of no fangirls adoring his very existence. "How much further?" Al checked his tracker.

"They're right up ahead!" He cried. With a dramatic leap worthy of any Twilight movie, Jacob burst through the bushes in a flurry of leaves; Al's armor gleaming in the light. Envy staggered in –less than dramatically –after them, panting and mumbling unflattering things about werewolves and armor.

It was there that they saw the worst thing that they could imagine…

* * *

Winry and Ed had been watching Cullen for awhile before Al had appeared to their rescue, hunkered down in the bushes and quietly discussing what their plan of action should be.

"We've gotta catch'm." Ed decided, pounding his hand with his fist. "If we can lure him to Al, we can get him in the giant jar. Sound good?" Winry nodded slowly. She was still trying to overcome the shock of seeing her fandom love in the guise of a rainbow-winged fairy. It was all too much for the poor hormone-crazed girl, and for awhile she'd felt faint.

"Okay…" She mumbled, still a bit dazed. "But can I at least get his autograph first?" Ed gasped in shock, truly hurt by this act of betrayal.

"Winry! He's the enemy! No, you can't get his _autograph_!" He cried indignantly. Winry sighed, gazing forlornly at Cullen.

"Look. I'm gonna be stuck with either you or Al as my canon pairing –probably you –and if I'm going to end up stuck with _you_ for the rest of fandom eternity, then can't you at least let me have this moment?" She snarled quietly. Ed frowned, contemplating this. She had a point. Deciding he had nothing to lose –besides, Winry was 2D and Cullen was 3D, it would never work out –he nodded. Grinning, Winry whipped out a pad of paper and a Twilight pencil. Ed gasped, watching her skip toward Cullen.

"You were planning this all along!" He hissed, shaking his arm angrily as the blonde girl glomped Cullen. It was too sickening for Ed to watch, and so he turned away. Out of respect, the author didn't watch either, so whatever happened with Winry and Cullen forever goes unknown.

A rustling in the bushes alerted Ed, and he looked up, gasping with horror. Above him loomed the sparkling emo himself –Edward Cullen.

"It's you." He hissed, standing to his full height –approximately 4'5", a full head and a quarter beneath Cullen –and glaring up at the wannabe-vampire.

"Hello, other Edward." Cullen smirked, wings stretched out to their full length. Ed kept trying to glare Cullen in his creepy golden eyes, but the gleaming, sparkling butterfly wings were pretty distracting… Actually, they were kinda pretty… And they sparkled in the light, like a kaleidoscope…

Ed stared blankly into the rainbowy vortex of colors, trapped under the Fairy's spell. Winry had already been reduced to a pile of Fangirlish goop by the sparkling monster's Rob Patterson Powers, and was in no condition to help her poor friend. Now, there was nothing to do but wait for Ed's perfectly (okay, very well-made) constructed character to unravel…

* * *

"Ed!" Al screamed in terror, taking in the horrifying scene. His poor brother was gazing at Edward Cullen's multi-colored wings –yes, _wings_ –with a zombie-like look in his eyes. "Ed! Ed, don't look at him!" Al cried, sliding off Jacob's back and running toward his dear brother.

"No, stop!" Jacob phased back immediately and grabbed a hold of Al's arm, thrusting a pair of sunglasses over the armor's eye… Holes. "Don't look directly at him." He hissed, shoving Al behind him. "Do you want to be caught under his spell?" Al shook his head, quivering.

"Holy crap!" A new voice cried. Roy and Den appeared on the scene, having heard the commotion. Roy glanced at Jacob for a moment, then at Edward. His jaw dropped when he saw the wings. Fullmetal… Had been _right_. His heart hurt at this thought, but he thrust it away.

Den barked, snarling viciously at Cullen as he/she/it tried to make its way to its master, only to be blocked by Jacob. Den whined, but didn't resist.

"Edward!" Jacob cried, glaring at his rival in Love-and-other-crap. The fairy sneered, brushing Ed aside (though the chibi didn't once look away from the wings).

"Jacob! So, we meet again." Despite the 4th novel, things were not made up between the movie personas of the Twilight fandom, and the two were still bitter rivals –no longer in love, but in the derailment/protection of other characters. "I see you've come to save the characters of this fandom?" Cullen laughed evilly –an act that was less terrifying due to his rainbow fairy wings. "Well, you're too late. The derailment process has already begun!" He cried.

"No!" Al screamed, trying to get to Ed, but again being blocked by Jacob.

"Yes! Any minute now, Edward Elric will be nothing but an "Action action action" Gary Stu, striving to be 'stronger' and giving long, overly-used spiels about how he fights for his friends and they're his power, and all that crap." Cullen grinned, a crazy glint in his creepy eyes. Al sobbed, and Roy winced. He definitely didn't want to have to deal with what sounded like a blond clone of Ash Ketchum.

"You monster." Jacob seethed, clenching his fists.

"What are you going to do, Wolf Boy? You can't stop me- If you try, I'll just derail you again!" Jacob winced –that's right folks, werewolves aren't impervious to Fairy magic.

"No one can stop Edward!" Winry cried in a disturbing, fangirl voice. Everyone leaned to the side, wincing at the sight of the poor girl, who was gazing at Cullen with glazed over, goopy-adoration filled eyes. "He's _amazing…._" She sighed dreamily.

"This is worse than what you did to Bella." Jacob hissed. Cullen shrugged.

"Eh. She was a Sue anyway." He grunted. Which is true (Bella, not Winry).

"What are we gonna do, Jacob?" Al asked weakly, trying hard not to look at poor Ed, who was still gazing at Cullen's wings in a trance. Jacob frowned.

"Well… I have no idea." He shrugged. The whole group (excluding Winry, Ed, and Cullen) did an anime fall.

"But… I thought you were going to help us save Ed!" Al cried!

"Woof!"

"Right, and Winry!" He added hastily.

"I don't wanna be saved!" Winry cried, but was pointedly ignored.

"Look, I want to, but the derailment process is too far in. Even if I could stop Cullen now, there's no telling what might happen to your brother… Or the rest of us." Jacob explained. Depressing tones were settling over this scene.

"Oh, for the love of God, will you all stop being so stupidly dramatic!" Roy cried, exasperated. "This is a CRACK FIC. There's always something we can do. Watch." Stepping forward, Roy took up stance before Cullen. The fairy hissed, raising his wings threateningly, preparing to attack, when-

_SNAP._

The Flame Alchemist 's ignition gloves gave off a spark, and faster than you could say 'Twilight Sucks!' Cullen was on fire. Screaming, the fairy bolted, wings ablaze. Power source reduced to an inferno, Ed was suddenly snapped out of his daze, and Winry was awoken from his fangirl trance. Immediately, the two were swamped by their loved one –Okay, Den tackled Winry and Al began shaking Ed, trying to get a response.

"Ed! Brother, can you hear me? Brother?" Al cried, shaking Ed furiously. The chibi yawned, head lolling.

"Uhg…" He moaned, rubbing his eyes weakly. "What… What happened?" He mumbled, glancing around. "Al? Why… Are we in the middle of the woods?" Ed asked, yawning again.

"Ed! You're back!" Al cried, hugging his brother with enough strength to snap his bones.

"Gah! A-Al, cute it out! You're suffocating me!" Ed gasped, wriggling away from his brother's hold.

"Oh Ed, I'm so glad you're okay! How do you feel?" Al asked, sniffling happily. Ed stretched, shrugging.

"Fine, I guess. But I had the weirdest dream… That I was looking for fairies… And then I was sent to this weird world where I acted like… _Ash Ketchum._" Ed and Al both shuddered. Meanwhile, somewhere else, Ash sneezed.

"So, why _are_ we out here?" Ed asked, noticing Winry laughing as Den licked her face. "And why… Is he here?" Ed scowled, glaring at Envy with murder in his eyes. "And what's Jacob Black doing here?" He cried in shock as the werewolf waved. "And why… What the hell is Edward Cullen doing over there!" Ed screamed, horrified. Could it be that… His strange dream had been real! Dear God, he'd really acted like that in _public?_

"You dragged us all on a Fairy Hunt." Roy muttered, glaring at Cullen, who was frantically trying to put his wings out (to no avail).

"Edward Cullen tried to derail you into a Stu, Ed!" Al cried. "But Roy saved us all!"

Outside of the computer, Ip stared at that last sentence and slammed her head against the keyboard.

"Roy was the hero of this fic?" Ed growled, glaring at Mustang, who was now smirking victoriously, adjusting his uniform.

"That's right." Roy grinned cockily. "Oh, don't look so down, Fullmetal. It was either me or Envy." All eyes fell on the palm tree, who gasped in shock and indignation.

"What! I was denied a bigger role! That's it, who's writing this thing?" He snarled, glaring at the sky.

"Um, guys?" Winry asked from behind, holding Den in her arms. "Don't you think it's time to wrap this thing up?" Our heroes looked at each other, and then at the time.

"Holy crap, you're right. This thing is already five pages long… And we've broken the Fourth Wall like, six times in this chapter alone!" Ed mused. "Thanks for saving me you guys… But now… What should we do about _him_?" Ed frowned, pointing at Cullen, who had slumped against a tree, wings charred and crispy.

Al held up the glass jar, and Ed grinned.

"Alright guys, let's milk this baby for one more chapter!"

* * *

**That's right, I did it again –one more chapter. Okay, not really. It's more of an epilogue.**

**So, how was that? Overly dramatic, long, and full of Fourth-Wall-Bashing fun! I know I took forever, but was this at least sort of worth the wait? … I know, I know, I'm really sorry I took so long -.-; ;; ;; I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and I'll have the epilogue up ASAP!**

**~Ip**


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